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Friday, March 3rd, 2006
6:52 pm

My pirate name is:

Bloody Charity Read

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Even through many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the sterotypes. You've got taste and education. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

(3 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
4:02 am - if looks could kill my profession would be staring
ello peeps! whoa. way too enthusiastic. let's go back and do that again. "hey there, world." better. anyway, it'd be about four in the morning on a sultry wednesday (already!?!) and i've got to get up for class in three and a half hours. i just finished making a sculpey base for a model skull for today's class (life drawing four) which is heavier than i'd expected. it's a perfectly round floating peach colored ball thus far.
this summer i've had more free time than expected, simply because i can't bring myself to voluntarily pick up any more days at the cordial. how boring/ depressing/ old/ annoying it is to wake up and go to the bar for eight irritating hours of repetitive bullshit. when the fuck did i fool myself into thinking i was good at talking to people, or even desired to? i suffer from as much loneliness as the next person, but strangers are just that: strange.
and what do i do with all this free time? nothing productive, for damn sure. i've been spending the last week organizing my new apartment, and spending gobs of money on new gadgets/ furnishings/ housewares. the sad truth of the thing is, i'll probably spend about 5% of my time there, and it'll be a good $450 a month just rotting away. oh, and i found out today that my stove doesn't work at all, which makes my tasty ramen dinner a tad more difficult to prepare.
ryan's gig went well on saturday. valerie and dave ignored each other like professionals. most unfortunately, i just found out that bill got a dui on the way home that night, which shouldn't surprise me as much as it does.
according to my buddy, dave, a person is unlikely to dream if they don't get enough sleep. so that's it. that, and my memory seems to be getting worse and worse. i could foresee the end of the world in my dreams and forget it all by breakfast.
i feel that living alone will begin to tell me a great deal about myself. for instance, within this first week i've found out some cleanliness habits. so long as things are clean, i desire and strive to keep them that way. as soon as something is dirtied, i let it go. i also maintain rigid neatness when it comes to books and kitchen shelves, however the bathroom is a fucking war zone already. the first thing i do when i open the door (besides lights, of course) is turn on the stereo. i have about three times the amount of clothing any one person should own. oh, and i spent an hour hanging a wire sculpture in the corner of my room, attempting to achieve "just the right angle." as if i or anyone will ever look at it again.
well. i could still get three hours of sleep, just enough for one rem cycle. so good night.

current mood: blah

(5 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

Monday, June 6th, 2005
5:04 pm
1. Who are you? who are you?
2. Are we friends? who are you?
3. If we've met, when and how did we meet? in dreams
4. What social event or place would you like to go to with me? punk rawk show
5. Would you kiss me? done and done.
6. Describe me in one word. dave
7. What was your first impression? damn, dave is really tall.......
8. Do you still think that way about me now? oh yeah.
9. What reminds you of me? photographs of you that i keep taped to the ceiling... mwah ha ha
10. If you could give me anything what would it be? a black eye. JUST KIDDING, a personalized button
11. How well do you know me? i know your social, your credit card number, birthdate, and that's all i need to know
12. When was the last time you saw me? two tuesdays ago
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? no.
14. Do you think I am good lookin'? you know i do, baby
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you? maybe...

Now lets talk about me!!
1. christel
2. christel
3. christel

1. sujong127
2. sujong12782
3. sujong127 (not so original)

1. i'm damn tall for an oriental chick
2. i have all my digits and my eyes look the same direction
3. my elbows... just kidding, no one likes elbows

1. i'm damn tall for an oriental chick
2. asian glow
3. bowlegged

1. adopted
2. confused
3. bastard

1. politics
2. clowns
3. brain damage

1. coffee
2. make fun of people
3. bitch and/or cry and/or moan

1. studded belt
2. furry striped socks
3. something i made myself

1. alkaline trio
2. modest mouse
3. saves the day

1. trucks and trains
2. this could be love
3. mr. chainsaw

1. honesty
2. humor
3. intelligence

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. religion
2. love
3. karma

1. those corner-of-the-mouth-bumps, whatever they're called
2. upper back and shoulders
3. lips

1. who has time for hobbies?

1. quit my job
2. save the world
3. move away from denver

1. professional free lance contemporary artist
2. writer
3. bum

1. italy
2. australia
3. japan

1. jaden
2. estraven
3. damien

1. own a coffee shop
2. sell a painting
3. visit my top five countries

1. i have short hair...?
2. i have a sense of humor
3. i hate girls

1. i drink girly drinks
2. i sew
3. i bake

1. val kilmer (over it)
2. keanu reeves (over it)
3. that guy who plays lawson on "love song for bobby long" (SEE IT.)

(8 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

Thursday, May 12th, 2005
1:16 am - boo?
So i don't really have much that i can contribute to the world of onine babble at the moment. let's just say my brain is rather less than whole.i can merely recount interesting occurences (interesting to me, that is).
So i finally got a new car: 1995 nissan sentra, white, very good condition, 3500 dollars. fucking awesome compared to past cars: power steering, cd player, air conditioning, clean, goes over 10 miles per hour. thanks to my buddy sean for coming through for me.
saw kung fu hustle the other night, fucking great movie from steven chow, the guy who did shaolin soccer. my friend duc bought me a copy of it, since it is already out on dvd. love that movie! also saw virgin suicides. a bad idea at the time, since it merely enforced and exaggerated my existentialist funk that i was (and still am) in. rather than being horrified, depressed, or angry about the movie, it made me sympathetic, claustrophobic, surreal understanding. another movie: love song for bobby long, with john travolta and scarlet johannson (bill!) which was also quite fantastic and real. closer: clive owen, natalie portman, jude law, julia roberts. a "love story for adults" that pretty much covers all the difficult parts of adult relationships in a frighteningly close to life portrayal.
but enough movie reviews.
coachella was awesome: saw NIN, weezer, faint, bright eyes, coldplay, futureheads, jem, rilo kiley, donovan frankenreiter, bauhaus, blah blah blah and so on. very hot, got a bitchin rental car, lots of desert wind and sun, good times. must do it again next year!
ryan's had great success with his band. they just played their first gig at the cordial on saturday (technically their second show) which kicked ass and attracted a large young crowd. poor thing had a cold too, but pulled it off despite technical problems.
put in my last day at domo on friday. it was sadder than it should have been to go. i'll miss everyone there. before i left, dawa and greg and bayana and ghana and the new uchideschi were out in the beautiful rain soaked zen garden drinking sake. sensei had just bought these huge windsock koi with men riding their backs, supposedly symbolic of man's triumph over nature. these colossal colorful windsocks were dancing in the bright afternoon rain.
i met karaoke-guy-bama's son david last night, who just returned from iraq. it was so unexpected: he's a punker, and so was the rest of his siblings who showed up. his half-brother kurt and i talked, and it ended up that we'll be going to the alkaline trio show together which is on july 28th, ironically his birthday. very cool. btw, anyone else who'd like to go with me, let me know.
since school's been out (a week and a half now) i find myself unable to entertain myself. i'm bored after even a single hour alone. without constant classes and work, i don't know what to do with free time! summer school starts on the 17th, tho, then i'll be back to my relentless bitching about being so overworked and busy.
well. when i have more enlightening things to say, i'll be sure to post again. til then.......

current mood: complacent

(11 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

1:13 am

Your Birthdate: December 7

Born on the 7th day of month gives you a tendency to be something of a perfectionist and makes you more individualistic in many ways.

Your mind is good at deep mental analysis and complicated reasoning.

You are very psychic and sensitive, and you should usually follow your hunches.

You may not take orders too well, so you may want to work alone or in a situation where you can be the boss.

This birthday gives a tendency to be somewhat self-centered and a little stubborn.

(2 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
6:04 pm - oi to the vey
well this lovely chilled tuesday finds me sick and slightly delirious from lack of sleep. a little disillusioned, apprehensive, isolated, and disenchanted. my empathy is weak, but universal. my procrastination runs long. my cynicism is high. i've tons of homework to be doing, with little motivation. i'm even avoiding writing up a to do list, as even that seems too scary. my creativity has ebbed, my desires supressed, feeling a little histrionic, self absorbed, meaningless.

nothing much in the way of entertaining tales. i've been going out weekends and enjoying myself well- trying not to spend so much, hardly succeeding. excited about the coachella festival at the end of next month. drinking, dancing, having a blast, but not the stuff of which to build memories to last a lifetime, or even a year. i've broken every single new years resolution, and then some.

uchideschi sarah is staying at my place. she has my only key, so i've been living out of my car and ryan's apartment. she copied it for me and gave me the copy, which doesn't work. i went to ihop last night with ryan as a break from our sculpture/ painting all-nighter. talking to that boy is truly enjoyable.

writing a little bit of poetry lately, too personal to share.

"not in the mood"

(3 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

6:02 pm
Congratulations! You're 109 proof, with specific scores in beer (60) , wine (100), and liquor (60).
Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 25% on proof

You scored higher than 89% on beer index

You scored higher than 94% on wine index

You scored higher than 87% on liquor index
Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid

(fight off the lethargy)

6:02 pm
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 53%
Stability |||||||||| 40%
Orderliness |||||||||| 36%
Empathy |||||||||||| 43%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 50%
Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56%
Mystical |||||||||||| 43%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||||||||| 50%
Materialism |||||||||| 36%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50%
Work ethic |||||||||| 36%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56%
Need to dominate |||| 16%
Romantic |||||||||||||| 56%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 43%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||||||| 36%
Change averse |||||||||||| 43%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 50%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Food indulgent |||||| 23%
Histrionic |||||| 30%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||||||| 36%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||| 36%
Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

(fight off the lethargy)

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
5:51 pm - i know i just posted
i don't really know why i'm posting again, as nothing has changed but more time gone by. maybe i feel like a shmuck for making you read that repulsive self-loathing/ doubting crap. i'm not actually sure what the big fucking problem is for me today. anyway, just thought i'd apologize for me. so. i'd like to thanks a lot of people, just cause i feel like being appreciative. er something.

bill - for being hilarious, a comfort and confidante, good advice and good natured, and a damn good lay
dave - for being absolutely incredible in talent and creativity, and tolerance- your patience is mind boggling
ryan - for putting up with me, and for showing me how to feel deeply
kellee - for being my crazy sister and showing me why it's bad to be mean to boys
joe - for understanding and listening and being there when others simply weren't, and for dancing
dave igo - for your absolutely phenomenal hilarity and brutally refreshing honesty
brian - for being strong and making me listen to my own advice and loveing me in spite of
misa - for being an aspiration and inspiration though so far away
val - for being an always friend
clint - for helping me to grow up
andrew - for being fucking crazy
dann - for good memories of rooftops and introducing me to alkaline trio
jacen - for entertaining drunken phone calls

and for all you other people too.

(3 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

5:27 pm - energy null
i feel like i'm in this crazy deep void of emptyness inside me today. the people around me are just shadows on the wall with their own agendas and of no consequence to me. they pass over and around me without feeling me at all. i'm out of my head - non productive, anti creative, stupor. i have nothing to say of importance or coherence. i'm a time waster with little time to waste. yet things look great for me otherwise: i have a boyfriend who is loved and loves, i have friends who are wonderful, people i know who can fill my future, good times and great memories. maybe its the weather? i can't bear to take off my scarf and coat and ear muffs today because i don't feel like i can settle for even a moment. i can't paint. i can't draw. i can't write. i can't read. i can't seem to make sense. it was even difficult to shop for groceries because nothing seemed appealing or appetizing. i'm not trying to complain- my life is great. however, i'm in a psychological rut. woe is me......

current mood: indescribable

(fight off the lethargy)

Thursday, January 27th, 2005
5:31 pm - halleluia
so here goes, i'm going to attempt to recap the last few months that i've been stagnant in the livejournal area. what has been happening in my life? let's start with today and work back in no order whatsoever...

right now i'm tired as hell since i stayed up all night (that's right, i was working til i had to go to class) painting. it actually felt good to be getting stuff done. however, i hit some point around 7:30 where my brain and motor skills stopped dead in their tracks- very difficult to produce quality work when you're hallucinating! this is the second all nighter of the week.
tuesday (DONT LAUGH AT ME) i did yoga for the first time ever. i went with prema, a girl from work. it was very fucking hard. you have to do these intense poses and control every muscle in your body, then hold them. sweaty and strenuous... yet relaxing. i'm so sore now, my whole body just aches. after yoga (healthy and rejuvinating) i went out and proceeded to get shit faced and eat some greasy bar food. nothing like some good over-compensation. had a great time with prema and some others from work- we harassed our server, who turned out to be very good humored about the whole thing.
last weekend i went to DRESSY BESSY with bill! yay fuckin yay! i had a goddamn blast - most likely the most fun since new years... got to see sponge and clint and noah and som underage peeps... yay?
since new years, in theory i've accomplished all my resolutions (yeah i know, the hard part is sticking to them): quit chewing my fingernails, stopped smoking, started yoga. proud of me? thanks.
i got a studio space in the spivak building! you've no idea how happy that makes me. i need a place to paint on campus so i dont have to lug my shit around/ because my car is too small to handle it.
despite being exhausted, i feel great right now. i mean, i actually made it to my classes today (on time!) and achieved goals. did my school works. nigh finished a painting. it's almost the weekend and i have saturday off, so i'm probably going up to cheyenne to pick up the old computer from my brother. unfortunately, trips to cheyenne often take up entire days, so it'll be a waste (in my eyes) of time off from work.
ya know what, i gotta go do homework before i fall asleep.
love you all

don't let the turkeys get you down!

<3 christel

current mood: accomplished

(4 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
2:57 pm

Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band

Created by naw5689 and taken 7974 times on bzoink!

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:Alkaline Trio
Are you male or female:another innocent girl
Describe yourself:trouble breathing
How do some people feel about you:fine without you/ stupid kid
How do you feel about yourself:you've got so far to go/ dead and broken
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:goodbye forever
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:this could be love
Describe where you want to be:take lots with alcohol/ the metro
Describe what you want to be:jaked on green beers
Describe how you live:keep em coming/ crawl
Describe how you love:fatally yours
Share a few words of wisdomyou're dead

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

when is the 22nd? er what day is that?

current mood: sick

(1 combat baby | fight off the lethargy)

Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
3:49 pm - toast to my unsuccess
today has been a damn frustrating day simply because every single thing i've tried to accomplish has been a failure. i wasn't able to get my driver's license because i didn't have my birth certificate, which i was unable to locate. i couldn't drop off my immunization. i drove around for half an hour looking for a locksmith place so i could copy my mail key. i couldn't get a hold of ryan or my mom. i couldn't even eat a complete lunch or finish drinking a glass of milk. i'd love to stay and finish whining about my day, but i won't even be able to finish this livejournal because i have to go to class. i know, i've got a lot to tell you. i've neglected to 'write' in over a month! *slaps self on the back of the hand* i'll return shortly, and my written voice will be at your mercy again, as it were. pardon me, i didn't get enough sleep last night. hasta luego, mes bon amis!


(1 combat baby | fight off the lethargy)

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
1:04 am - last one, i swear
Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
How will you commit suicide?You will starve yourself to death
How many tries will it take?52
When will you commit suicide?December 14, 2010
What will your suicide note say?Unrequited love can kill
Quiz created with MemeGen!

(fight off the lethargy)

1:02 am - one more...
What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852
You killed
With a
OnJanuary 14, 2011
Quiz created with MemeGen!

(fight off the lethargy)

12:56 am - so true
so i was fucking around with the quiz generator thingy and i found this quiz... i entered the following information for ryan and it is SPOT ON.
Your Love Life by lpfloatsmyboat
favorite color:
best physical quaility:hair
best personality trait:nothing...nothing at all
will you marry your bf/gf that you have now?it depends
when will you get married?December 15, 2020
your kiss is:meaningful!
People date you because:you're cute
Quiz created with MemeGen!

(fight off the lethargy)

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
6:29 pm - i'm dying tomorrow
here's to my relentless pursuit of perfect slacker harmony. does that make sense? i thought as much. in other words, i have been practicing at being a slacker. i sleep all night and most of the day, skip classes for unreasonable reasons, hold half-hearted conversations, eat pre packaged food that doesn't require preparation, show up for everything fairly late, neglect to get into contact with the people i like, refuse to get excited about anything, drink slowly, too lazy to eat, wear dirty clothes, only write down half of to-do lists, too lazy to accomplish the to- do items, too lazy to cross off the ones i accomplish, spend hours looking for that one lyric/ song/ music video/ article/ synonym/ photographer/ file/ quote online, finish only half of

zaia quit at domo because she finally got pregnant. i'll miss her; she was always happy and funny and taught me a lot of mongolian. well, not a lot. good luck to her, whereever she may be.

ryan had me come over to his place last night, tho i'd dedicated myself to doing lots of homework. i thought i'd still get it done. fuck computers and their mind-sucking-addictiveness.

current mood: lethargic

(fight off the lethargy)

12:42 am
What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Your band name is:Pancho the Tiger
You sound like:Midtown
You will be signed to:Jive Records
Your emo lyrics are:"The stars are fading as I pass out into the neverending winter"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

(1 combat baby | fight off the lethargy)

Monday, November 29th, 2004
2:32 am - late
it is 2 30 and i have to get up in a few hours to work. at least i won't be hungover for once in... ever. right now i'm being serenaded (right in my ear). by ryan. on his guitar. i'm on his internet. and i bet he's wishing he could type as fast as i do. (he says "fuck you.") (but that was directed at me, so don't get all butt hurt.) anyway, things are going decently well. i still lapse into the occasional feeling-too-much, but better to feel than to be completely numb/ desensitized/ indifferent.

i got to watch shaolin soccer tonight!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so fucking happy i could explode. i watched it twice in a row, the made-for-usa version, then the original chinese version. trust me, the chinese one is much better. christ, it's so much better than i'd ever hoped! you must see it. and buy it for me. my birthday swiftly approaches... december 7th, *wink* *wink*

thanksgiving: tons of small children, lots of food, trying not to succumb to my mother forcing alcohol on me, trying not to give into the urge to smoke, trying not to give in to the urge to scream profanity and show my mom my tongue stud (of which she is still ignorant), wading through food and dogs and crying babies. um. i think that about sums it up. ooh ooh my mom took me shopping on BUY NOTHING DAY (the day after thanksgiving, duh) and we went to jerry's artarama and home depot. i got a miter saw and some corner clamps and an electric drill and a staple gun and a paint palette and brushes and damar varnish... ah, the joys of the Birthday Spending Limit. fuck yeah is all i have to say.

i would just like to reiterate how swell things are going with that one guy with whom i've had some problems. oh, we could go into the whole DAWN thing (notice: four letter word? yeah. i can think of a few other four letter words for her) but why bore or worry you? basically, i gotta get my jealousy under control and ryan's gotta quit being such a pussy. i mean, nice guy.

anyway. love to those few of you who give a shit. or even half a shit would be nice. actually, shit wouldn't be very nice at all, especially if it arrived by fedex, or worse, ground shipping. so never mind that part. smootches for those of you who deserve it.

current mood: content

(fight off the lethargy)

2:06 am
coffee is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

(fight off the lethargy)

Thursday, November 18th, 2004
6:55 pm - last nite
so i came home tired and early from work, ready to dedicate my evening to laundry and homework. i was actually pretty psyched about the laundry part; i enjoy fresh clean clothes instead of wrinkly questionable remnants draped over furniture and closet doors and buried under books and so on. however, kellee called. i was reluctant, yet karaoke seemed more fun than homework. that, and since joe stood me up on the karaoke thing tuesday, my appetite was already whetted. so i call up clint and nick and dave to force them to come. after yanking my moist hot clothes from the dryer, i get in my poor destitute car and drive in the freezing semi-silence to aurora. clint n nick n dave show up late since they got stuck in an elevator (only them) and i got to meet kellee's new roomies, who are less than lackluster. or is it more than lackluster? whatever. anyway, after the usual bout of drunken vocal straining, i want to head home... but i-25 is shut down. all the way. i get lost, as is typical, but made worse because i am also trying to give directions to kellee's crew. after extricating ourselves, i give in to the breakfast king, where i devoured a piece of warm peach pie a la mode. worth it. after that, it being two in the morning, i drive home and finish homework, which takes us to a dreamless slumber at five. now, i have to go to math then drive to wyoming (pray with me that my car will make it!) for brandon's birthday. i got him the dredg cd and this illuminated water fountain and a book i read. such a shitty sister/ gift giver...

love, peace, kisses, hugs, kick in the balls to certain ones of you. never mind.

(1 combat baby | fight off the lethargy)

Thursday, November 11th, 2004
5:32 pm - y tu mama tambien
hey kids

so this week had been horrible, and it's not even over yet. however, in SPITE of the badness, there has been a few good things. in spite of the misery, i'm in a pretty decent mood. perhaps all the misalignment of the world has something to do with this: there was a lunar eclipse a couple of weeks ago. according to an overheard conversation, all kinds of astronomical events are going on- namely, the planets are all aligned into a star of david. big things are happening, big changes occuring.
so i've managed to not see ryan for the last three days. i have hung out with joe the last two, and perhaps he's why i'm still sane. we saw 'the motorcycle diaries,' about che guevera. which was good. beautiful, subtitled, long, poignant, funny. then last night, i brought jumper cables to the school to help resurrect joe's car, then we made dinner and i cut his hair. it was a lot of fun; joe's always fun to hang out with. we talked alot the last two days, and he's really helping me out.
misa wrote me an email! and i love her to death. i miss you!
OOOOH i'm working on my new painting, the companion to the antinomy piece! it's based on a photo of myself that i mention only because it was a total bitch to take. i've started painting it. wish me luck. you can see it when i'm done, if you ask really nicely. the painting. not the photos.
i realize that i've been reading too much lately, simply because i have no fingernails.
my stomach is telling me that i'm hungry. i am trying hard to ignore its lies.
i miss will. and lettuce. and even kellee. and bill and dave and misa and randy and val. i miss things that i can't even remember. perhaps it's a blessing that my memory is so terribly poor? i still feel as though a part of me is missing; a part that i may not have had to begin with.
anthony gave me a copy of a zine his friend is making. i love zines. though i fear bad poetry. it's like wanting to open a door, but getting that half-expected zap by the doorknob.
let's just say this: driving a shitty car with no heat is 1 billion times worse without music.

current mood: quixotic

(4 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
4:00 pm - whining
don't read this if you are disgusted by my exuding self pity

i walked to my car and saw the door was cracked today, roughly 1:15. i opened it to find my canvas was propping the door open, but then saw there was plastic shit from my dashboard strewn about. someone stole my faceplate off my cd player. they hacked off the dashboard thingy from the a/c controls, took the fucking cigarettes from the ashtray, stole my burnt cds from the glove compartment, went through all my shit. ironically enough, they didn't manage to extricate my actual cd player, just managed to make it so i couldn't use it. ironically, they left the goddamn knife they were using. ironically, they can't sell burnt cd's. but still. those fucking bastard shitheads. i hope they feel the potential of love for a day, just to lose it and mourn forever. i hope they watch their children die, one by one. i hope their skin is afflicted with an insistent rash that smells potent and unhealthy. i hope they wander the streets with their head hanging in constant embarassment. and i hope they return my goddamn cd player face-plate.

oh, and my toe still hurts like a bitch. and a recent email has suggested that i may be afflicted with the whooping cough. and i didn't see danny, my favorite customer, once this weekend. and i feel ugly and fat and pale and my hair is driving me insane and i spent too much money last night on groceries and i've ditched both of my classes today and my instructor saw me. and i can't seem to write this paper. and my heart still aches because of him.

fucking kill me already.

current mood: distressed

(5 combat babies | fight off the lethargy)

3:06 pm - word of the now
ANOMIE (or ANOMY) n: social instability resulting from a breakdown of standards and values; also : personal unrest, alienation, and anxiety that comes from a lack of purpose or ideals

current mood: dally, dawdle, defer, detain

(fight off the lethargy)

Monday, November 8th, 2004
3:34 pm - saw it coming?
we've been considering it. but for different reasons. for me, wishful thinking, to believe i could force myself to not feel what i feel by ignoring the cause. for him, to have time for himself, away from me. so we're taking a break. a 6 day long break. but i want so badly to be strong enough to make this break everlasting. selfishly, i want i want i want i want i want i want i want forever. i need to not want it. if i could turn myself off, cut out the offending part of my mind. it feels today like i have turned myself off. i'm numb and blind and deaf. i guess its some kind of psychological shock, where i am so hurt that i can't feel it anymore. not because i can't see him. not because he wants a break. i suffer for love. i feel everything at once. self-disgust and embarassment and helplessness and the crippling truth of his indifference. i want to sleep forever. without dreams.
the only way out is to feel nothing, but to feel nothing is to deny my life, my vitality; to die.

chevelle show. cervantes in the ghetto. went to an upstairs dive bar, low ceilings, enormous black lady bartender who poured stiff as hell drinks. the amazingly kind owner brought our forgotten cigarettes back down to us. due to my cold and my single hour of sleep and how susceptible it made me to the alcohol, i was the walking dead at the show, and slept standing in flashes during the second band, dredg. i had an ingrown nail that got pounded and stomped and smashed, so now it is a bloody throbbing mass of painful infection. i walk with a limp. i think the show was probably good, but everything seems a little unbelievable and lackluster right now. please forgive my whining.

every time i try to type "hour," i type in "house". every time i try to type in "sleep," i type in "self." sleep hour. self house. what does this mean?

i had heard about four A Perfect Circle references in the past hour. fuck music that makes me melancholy.

current mood: any

(fight off the lethargy)

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